The (Premature) Death of a Nice Guy

I would like to relate a conversation that I think women will find very enlightening on how men think.  It occurred over the summer when a former student of mine looked me up to ask me about the military.  He was thinking about joining the marines, and he remembered that I had been in the army, so he just wanted to know a little more about military life and what advice I could give.  I explained to him the difference between the army and the marines, and how the benefits of each depended entirely upon the goals he had for the future.  Was he looking for a career, or just money for college?  Did he want job training, or did he want to blow stuff up?  One of the things I always ask in such a situation is whether or not the person wants a family.  The type of job a person chooses can have a huge affect on their family and should be carefully considered.  When I asked him this question, the conversation took an unexpected turn.

"Joe" told me that he did want a family.  In fact, he said that recently he had begun to feel a real longing for a deep relationship with a woman, like there was an emptiness in his life without a meaningful, permanent relationship. 

"It's not like I don't get girls," he said, trying to reassure me of his manhood.  "My buddies and I go out like three times a week and we always bring girls home.  I have sex with at least two or three different chicks every week.  And that's nothing.  I have one friend that will bag like three different girls all in one night.  I mean, he and I have some fun together.  We always score because girls around here are so easy.  But I'm thinking now that I want a real girlfriend, you know?  Like a girl that I know and we could be together for a long time and everything."

He went on to ask me about what that was like and how to get it, since he knew I was happily married.  One of his big questions was where to find that type of girl.

"All the girls I meet are super hot, you know, but you can't talk to them, you know what I mean?  Like they are totally great for a night, but they aren't the kind of girl I'm looking for.  I want a girl that isn't for a one night stand.  I want to get to know her before we have sex, you know what I mean?  Like really be in love, and you can't do that with the girls around here.  Where can I meet like, you know, better women?"

So we talked about the idea that what better women were looking for (hopefully) were better men, and that they definitely deserved better men. 

"Look,"  I said, "If you want a better relationship, you have to change what you're doing.  If you want a woman for a long-term relationship, you have to quit picking up one night stands.  You can't keep having the fun and using women like you are and think that you'll just stumble onto true love.  You have to make a commitment to be a different kind of guy before you find that different kind of girl.  Otherwise, you probably aren't going to find that girl, and even if you did, as soon as she realized what kind of guy you are, if she was smart she would dump you."

We talked about that concept for a while.  He had never thought of women that way before - like they deserved something better than him.  When he left he was subdued and contemplative, and I could tell that he was going to go home and mull this over in his mind for a while.  It gave me hope.

A couple days later I heard back from him.

"I thought about it a lot, man.  And I totally see what you're saying about how it's gotta be if I want something real.  But I just don't think I can do that right now.  I mean, I like women, you know what I mean?  I can't give that up right now.  Maybe later, you know, but right now I'm having too much fun and I just like getting women.  I mean, I really like going on the hunt and bringing them home.  Me and my friends, man, we get laid a lot, you know, and I just can't give that up yet, you know what I mean?"

So I count it as a small victory.  It sounded like he realized that his practices were unfair to any girl that was looking for something more, so hopefully he won't be out there playing with women's emotions and breaking their hearts.  On the other hand, he's still using women more than he's using protection, because he values the former less than he values the time it would take to engage the latter.

But on to the main point  - or several main points - that I want women to take away from this conversation.

1.) This guy is a very normal guy.  He is very representative of how a vast majority of young males in America feel about women.

2.) Men are contemptuous of women that are easily convinced into sex.  As hypocritical as this seems, it's the truth.  Women are prey to them, and they look down on them the same way a hunter looks down on the animals he's killed.  That type of woman might be good enough for gratifying his sexual desires, but she's definitely not good for anything beyond that.  She's a sex toy, an object, something to be used, enjoyed, and passed around.

3.) When it comes to a choice between sex and love, sex wins (most of the time).  Other than heroin users, most guys agree that sex is the best thing on earth. It is a rare man that values love, trust, and commitment more than sexual gratification.  Most women don't realize this until it is too late because they don't make their men make the choice.  They give love and sex simultaneously (and many times they give the sex before love is even a factor) so they don't know where his loyalties lie.  If you want to spot the man that has developed his capacity for love more than he's indulged his lust, just make him choose.  Make him commit to you and honor that commitment before you have sex with him.