Bad Habits

One of my favorite things about being a teacher is trying to figure out how to explain a difficult concept in a way that will make sense to a student. It's harder than figuring out the difficult concept in the first place, and I enjoy the challenge - especially since it changes with each new student.

My most recent challenge had nothing to do with chemistry. I have a student that is a fantastic girl - smart, sweet, athletic - the type of girl that catches a lot of guys eyes. Her boyfriend is none of those things. She is waaaaaaaaay out of his league. I would say that there is no explanation for such a mismatch, except that I know how low her self-esteem is, and how manipulative he is.

I had a conversation with her about college and her future, and her boyfriend came up. I was faced with the question of how to explain to her why dating this guy was a bad idea in a way that would make sense and not make her defensive. I won't recount the whole conversation, but I want to share an idea that I hit upon, and one that I think merits some thought by any woman dating a loser.

Girls form habits in the kind of guys they date. If they have two or three boyfriends that are similar types of guys, they rarely switch the type of guy they date. Even though it turns into a string of failed relationships, it becomes a habit. Just like the clothes we wear.

Have you ever tried to change your style? We all have a style of clothes that we are comfortable with. Usually it is a style that we picked up from our parents, siblings, or friends. It's something we happen upon, without even a whole lot of thought. But it is a difficult thing to change styles. You stand in front of the mirror wearing clothes that would look fine on anybody else, but they look ridiculous on you.

If it happens with something as simple as clothes, wouldn't it be more likely to happen with the people we date? A lot of girls think that who they date as a teenager doesn't really matter. They have the attitude that they can have fun while they're young, and then find a nice guy to settle down with later. The problem is that they form bad habits, so that when they start looking for a nice guy later, he's just not their style.

It seems crazy, but I've known girls that dumped guys because they were nice. The girl wasn't used to a guy that respected them, gave gifts to them, listened to them, and deeply cared for them. They thought it was weird. They admitted that there was nothing wrong with the guys - they just weren't comfortable with how nice they were. In other words, the girls had a style, and that style wasn't nice guys.

I asked my student what kind of guy she wants to be with ten years from now when she is out of college and in her mid-twenties. She described a guy that was the exact opposite of what she has been dating. Especially telling was when she said that she wanted a guy that respected her, and then went on to say:

"It would be nice if we didn't fight and he didn't yell at me, but I suppose everyone fights and yells."

She's already developed a bad habit. At the age of 16, she already expects her boyfriends to yell at her! What are the odds of her finding her dream guy ten years from now if she doesn't believe such a guy exists, and has grown comfortable with guys that aren't good enough for her?

I pointed this out to her, and explained my theory. She agreed with my reasoning, and conceded that she should dump her boyfriend.

I hope it all works out, but we'll see.

After all, bad habits are hard to break.