In chapter three of my book, I give four simple rules that girls can follow to avoid getting into relationships with jerks. The rules are simple, but that does not mean they are easy to keep. Especially rule number one. In fact, that rule is the most controversial part of the whole book. It is also one of the most important parts. For those of you who have read the book, you already know the rule. For the rest of you, I would like to take you on a little thought exercise before we discuss the actual rule.
Pretend you have a rich cousin. Let's call him Sam. He's rich. Like really, really rich. Richey Rich rich. And he's younger than you - let's say he just started the 5th grade. You've known Sam his whole life, and he trusts you. One day at the family reunion, Sam confides in you that he doesn't have any real friends. He breaks into tears as he explains that all of the kids want to hang out with him, but when he isn't around they talk bad about him and don't respect him. Sam tells you that he is pretty sure the only reason people hang out with him and pretend to like him is so that they can take advantage of the fact he has money - they like his house, his pool, his toys, and his super awesome birthday parties.
Now you know that Sam is a nice kid. He's a genuinely sweet kid that nobody can see because all they see when they look at him is dollar signs. The poor kid just wants to have a real friend his age. What advice would you give him?
I've thought about this, and discussed it with other people, and the same two solutions keep coming up. First, Sam could choose to only be friends with other rich people who won't care about his money. An interesting solution, and one that we will consider later. Second, Sam could quit using his money.
Let's consider the ramifications of that second solution, because you are going to have to prep Sam for what he is about to go through. First thing that will happen is nobody will want to hang out with Sam. All those 'friends' he had are going to disappear once they see that being with Sam yields exactly the same monetary benefit as hanging out with any kid on the same street as them. In fact, a lot of people are probably going to resent Sam and talk trash about him - saying that he is selfish, stuck up, and paranoid.
It's going to be rough, initially. Sam is going to feel like he went from very popular (every kid in the city wanting to be at his birthday party) to being an outcast. But what he will have to remember is that he didn't lose any friends. All he lost were people that flattered him to his face, used him for what they could get out of him, and despised him inwardly the whole time. Them leaving is not a loss, but it is still going to sting.
So you tell Sam that he is going to have to keep his resolve, and over time things will change. If he rides the same beat up bike that every other kid rides, if he wears his clothes until they start to wear out, if he doesn't have the newest Xbox games, if he doesn't take his friends out to eat at extravagant restaurants, and if his birthday parties are humble affairs with cake and some pizza - then eventually things are going to change. It may take years, but he will become just another kid, and some kids are going to get to know him and they are going to become friends just because they click.
Now that process isn't going to be easy for Sam. The downside of not playing with his money is that he doesn't get to play with his money. Sam wants to have cool toys, nice clothes, and awesomely legendary birthday parties. What kid wouldn't? But he is going to have to sacrifice that if he wants to have friends. And eventually, he will find those friends. After years of not giving out money, people will realize that they won't get anything from Sam, and they will start to see him as a person.
So when does Sam start getting to use his money? How long does he have to be friends before he can invite someone to a birthday extravaganza? Could throwing too much money around ruin his friendships? Those are tough questions, and not ones with any definite answer - it will take a lot of maturity, wisdom, and advice from his trusted cousin to get him through it. But at least he has finally made some real friends.
So where does that leave us with girls, jerks, and dating? If a girls wants to get rid of all the jerks that just want her for her body, there is are some simple rules. And Rule #1 is this: NO KISSING!
The physical gratification that girls can offer guys is better than money. That's why many guys will offer to trade money for it. And many guys can't see past what a woman has to offer him to see who the woman is as a person. They really just don't care - they want sex. That is the nature of scumbags. So how does a girl find someone with whom to enter into a real relationship? Someone who will appreciate her for her ideas and talents and personality? Like Sam, she needs to quit giving away the exact thing that is getting in the way.
This is not easy. A girl that sticks to this and the other three rules may initially find herself very single. Once guys know that a girl isn't going to put out as much as a kiss, they aren't going to have a lot of interest. This is going to make a girl lonely. Not only that, but kissing is fun. Normal people want to kiss. So not kissing will be a sacrifice. I totally understand that. But the question is whether you want shallow relationships with guys that just want to use you, or are you willing to sacrifice for relationships that are deeper and more fulfilling?
Or is there another way to avoid jerks? Remember that first piece of advice we could have offered Sam - just be friends with rich kids? What if Sam didn't want to hang out with other rich kids? And what if you're not the type of girl that wants to just hang out with other girls the rest of your life? Hypothetically, you could just hang out with other girls and never date guys again and lead a celibate but simple life until you grow old and die. That would be another way to solve your dating woes. But that advice doesn't help women that want to date men, which is why I wrote Rule #1.
