Parental Consent

I just found out that another student (though not one of mine, this time) is pregnant. I hate to say it, but I'm not surprised. Sad, of course, because she had a bright future. She was smart, contagiously happy and energetic, talented, and very pretty. But as a sophomore she was dating a senior. The sort of senior that you definitely don't let a sophomore date (not that sophomores should date seniors at all!). But this guy was not a "nice" guy. Both of the parents worked at the school, so they knew what kind of guy he was. But they let her date him anyway, and now she's pregnant.

I bring this up because of a conversation I had recently with some parents about managing teenage girls. This particular group of parents asserted strongly that it was impossible to ensure your daughter did not get pregnant. They claimed that in today's world, with today's entertainment and today's influences, girls are either going to get pregnant or not - regardless of what parents do. "Sure," one parent said, "I try to teach to my daughter. I tell my her what I expect and explain the consequences, but I still have her on birth control."

Maybe I'm naive, but I refuse to believe that my role as a parent plays such a minuscule part in my daughters' lives. The fact that I didn't sleep around with girls in high school and college didn't have a little to do with my parents, it had everything to do with my parents. And I saw the same patterns with my siblings, cousins, and friends. In fact, I can't name a single girl that I've heard was pregnant that I was just completely shocked. The signs are always there.

I know that parents can't guarantee that their kids won't choose to have sex, just like I can't guarantee that I'll never get in a car accident. But I can do a lot to reduce the risk - a whole lot. In fact, as I think about it, the driving example might not be so bad.

My parents made me wear a seat belt as a kid, and I still wear a seat belt now, even though my parents aren't around to make me. I know other people whose parents made them wear seat belts, and now that they are grown up and on their own, they don't. What's the difference between those that choose to wear seat belts, and those who don't? Their belief systems.

My belief in two things makes me wear a seat belt. First, I believe that wearing a seat belt will probably save my life if I am in an accident. Second, I believe that I could get in an accident at any time. Some people believe the first, and some people believe the second, but it is believing both that makes a person wear a seat belt. Nothing - not habit, not law enforcement, not even annoying beeping dashboards will ensure that people wear their seat belts if they don't believe in them. For now. I make my girls wear seat belts because they are too young to understand. When they are older, I will make them wear a seat belt even if they don't believe in it. My role as a parent will be to instill that belief in them before they are able to drive a car without me. That is the only way to be sure that they will make the correct choice.

Unfortunately, instilling children with a belief system is easier said than done. In fact, it is much easier to rely on constant supervision, building habits, and (when necessary) enforcement through rewards and punishment. Any adult figure can provide one of the former, but it takes true parenting - patient, loving,time-consuming parenting - to convert your children to a belief.

Also, if you are going to convert someone to your belief, then all of your actions and decisions must be consistent with your belief. If I want my daughters to believe in seat belts the way that I do, I can't let them not wear a seat belt just because I'm tired of listening to them cry. And if I want my daughter to believe that she shouldn't have sex in high school, I have to enforce guidelines that will protect her even if it means a fight, all the while working to convert her to my belief.

If I do my job right, and if my beliefs are true, my children will be converted, and I won't have to worry about the decisions they make about safety, relationships, ethics, or finances.

If I never take the time to try and convert my children, then all I have done is sent the message that I don't believe it enough myself to make it matter to them, and that it isn't important enough for it to matter to them. The forbidden fruit becomes just another fruit, and my lack of parenting becomes a form of parental consent.

Bad Habits

One of my favorite things about being a teacher is trying to figure out how to explain a difficult concept in a way that will make sense to a student. It's harder than figuring out the difficult concept in the first place, and I enjoy the challenge - especially since it changes with each new student.

My most recent challenge had nothing to do with chemistry. I have a student that is a fantastic girl - smart, sweet, athletic - the type of girl that catches a lot of guys eyes. Her boyfriend is none of those things. She is waaaaaaaaay out of his league. I would say that there is no explanation for such a mismatch, except that I know how low her self-esteem is, and how manipulative he is.

I had a conversation with her about college and her future, and her boyfriend came up. I was faced with the question of how to explain to her why dating this guy was a bad idea in a way that would make sense and not make her defensive. I won't recount the whole conversation, but I want to share an idea that I hit upon, and one that I think merits some thought by any woman dating a loser.

Girls form habits in the kind of guys they date. If they have two or three boyfriends that are similar types of guys, they rarely switch the type of guy they date. Even though it turns into a string of failed relationships, it becomes a habit. Just like the clothes we wear.

Have you ever tried to change your style? We all have a style of clothes that we are comfortable with. Usually it is a style that we picked up from our parents, siblings, or friends. It's something we happen upon, without even a whole lot of thought. But it is a difficult thing to change styles. You stand in front of the mirror wearing clothes that would look fine on anybody else, but they look ridiculous on you.

If it happens with something as simple as clothes, wouldn't it be more likely to happen with the people we date? A lot of girls think that who they date as a teenager doesn't really matter. They have the attitude that they can have fun while they're young, and then find a nice guy to settle down with later. The problem is that they form bad habits, so that when they start looking for a nice guy later, he's just not their style.

It seems crazy, but I've known girls that dumped guys because they were nice. The girl wasn't used to a guy that respected them, gave gifts to them, listened to them, and deeply cared for them. They thought it was weird. They admitted that there was nothing wrong with the guys - they just weren't comfortable with how nice they were. In other words, the girls had a style, and that style wasn't nice guys.

I asked my student what kind of guy she wants to be with ten years from now when she is out of college and in her mid-twenties. She described a guy that was the exact opposite of what she has been dating. Especially telling was when she said that she wanted a guy that respected her, and then went on to say:

"It would be nice if we didn't fight and he didn't yell at me, but I suppose everyone fights and yells."

She's already developed a bad habit. At the age of 16, she already expects her boyfriends to yell at her! What are the odds of her finding her dream guy ten years from now if she doesn't believe such a guy exists, and has grown comfortable with guys that aren't good enough for her?

I pointed this out to her, and explained my theory. She agreed with my reasoning, and conceded that she should dump her boyfriend.

I hope it all works out, but we'll see.

After all, bad habits are hard to break.

My wife is an '8'

I was chaperoning a field trip yesterday when some students sitting behind me started discussing how attractive foreign accents were. Most of the girls said they didn't think accents were anything special, to which I replied that they were full of it. I told them that I had seen how girls reacted when I was in high school and an Australian student move in, and I was sure they would fall for an accent the same way. They turned it back on me and asked what I thought about it, and I told them that "a woman with an Italian accent is way hot."

"You can't say that - You're married!" they protested.

"Why not?" I asked. "My wife and I rate guys and girls on movies all the time. I'll ask my wife, 'Is that guy hot?' and she'll tell me. I tell her which actresses are the prettiest. If you asked my wife which actress I thought was the hottest, she would tell you it was a toss up between Catherine Zeta-Jones and Jessica Alba."

They stared at me, dumbfounded. Finally, one of them said, "But that's mean."

"How so?" I asked.

"Because," she explained, "You're supposed to tell your wife that she's the most beautiful woman in the world. Don't you think you're wife is beautiful?"

"Sure I do," I said. "I think she's a total hottie. But she's not the most gorgeous woman on the planet."

They gasped at this statement, and I could see their shock and confusion. 

"Look," I said, "I didn't marry my wife because she's the sexiest woman on earth. And I know that I'm not the best looking guy she knows, either. We got married because we love each other. I love my wife more than anyone else on the planet - that's why I married her. I don't care how hot another woman is, I don't want to spend eternity with any woman but my wife. She knows that. And I know that she feels the same way about me. And when we talk about how good looking someone else is, it's like admiring a work of art or a sculpture. We can admire their beauty without it changing the way we feel about each other."





          (My wife, who I think is
          very, very beautiful)





I could see that this was making sense to them.  Continuing on I said, "So if some smoking hot Italian chick with a sexy accent started hitting on me, I would say, 'Look, I think you're beautiful and all, but I'm already married to the love of my life, so beat it."

"Awwwww," they cried in unison, "That's the most romantic thing we've ever heard!"

Never one to pass up an opportunity with a rapt audience, I hammered home my point.  "When you get married, make sure it's because he loves you and you love him. You're both going to get old and ugly someday, and if looks is a major reason for the two of you being together, it's over when that happens. Relationships based on sex appeal are over as soon as the sex somewhere else looks more appealing."