Parental Consent

I just found out that another student (though not one of mine, this time) is pregnant. I hate to say it, but I'm not surprised. Sad, of course, because she had a bright future. She was smart, contagiously happy and energetic, talented, and very pretty. But as a sophomore she was dating a senior. The sort of senior that you definitely don't let a sophomore date (not that sophomores should date seniors at all!). But this guy was not a "nice" guy. Both of the parents worked at the school, so they knew what kind of guy he was. But they let her date him anyway, and now she's pregnant.

I bring this up because of a conversation I had recently with some parents about managing teenage girls. This particular group of parents asserted strongly that it was impossible to ensure your daughter did not get pregnant. They claimed that in today's world, with today's entertainment and today's influences, girls are either going to get pregnant or not - regardless of what parents do. "Sure," one parent said, "I try to teach to my daughter. I tell my her what I expect and explain the consequences, but I still have her on birth control."

Maybe I'm naive, but I refuse to believe that my role as a parent plays such a minuscule part in my daughters' lives. The fact that I didn't sleep around with girls in high school and college didn't have a little to do with my parents, it had everything to do with my parents. And I saw the same patterns with my siblings, cousins, and friends. In fact, I can't name a single girl that I've heard was pregnant that I was just completely shocked. The signs are always there.

I know that parents can't guarantee that their kids won't choose to have sex, just like I can't guarantee that I'll never get in a car accident. But I can do a lot to reduce the risk - a whole lot. In fact, as I think about it, the driving example might not be so bad.

My parents made me wear a seat belt as a kid, and I still wear a seat belt now, even though my parents aren't around to make me. I know other people whose parents made them wear seat belts, and now that they are grown up and on their own, they don't. What's the difference between those that choose to wear seat belts, and those who don't? Their belief systems.

My belief in two things makes me wear a seat belt. First, I believe that wearing a seat belt will probably save my life if I am in an accident. Second, I believe that I could get in an accident at any time. Some people believe the first, and some people believe the second, but it is believing both that makes a person wear a seat belt. Nothing - not habit, not law enforcement, not even annoying beeping dashboards will ensure that people wear their seat belts if they don't believe in them. For now. I make my girls wear seat belts because they are too young to understand. When they are older, I will make them wear a seat belt even if they don't believe in it. My role as a parent will be to instill that belief in them before they are able to drive a car without me. That is the only way to be sure that they will make the correct choice.

Unfortunately, instilling children with a belief system is easier said than done. In fact, it is much easier to rely on constant supervision, building habits, and (when necessary) enforcement through rewards and punishment. Any adult figure can provide one of the former, but it takes true parenting - patient, loving,time-consuming parenting - to convert your children to a belief.

Also, if you are going to convert someone to your belief, then all of your actions and decisions must be consistent with your belief. If I want my daughters to believe in seat belts the way that I do, I can't let them not wear a seat belt just because I'm tired of listening to them cry. And if I want my daughter to believe that she shouldn't have sex in high school, I have to enforce guidelines that will protect her even if it means a fight, all the while working to convert her to my belief.

If I do my job right, and if my beliefs are true, my children will be converted, and I won't have to worry about the decisions they make about safety, relationships, ethics, or finances.

If I never take the time to try and convert my children, then all I have done is sent the message that I don't believe it enough myself to make it matter to them, and that it isn't important enough for it to matter to them. The forbidden fruit becomes just another fruit, and my lack of parenting becomes a form of parental consent.