The False Premise of True Love - Part II

(This is a continuation of a previous blog entry, “The False Premise of True Love”)

After writing the first part of this exposition on finding “True Love,” I came across a piece of writing by C.S. Lewis that spoke on the same subject and expressed the same ideas. I like to think I could have phrased it as well as he did, but I am no C.S. Lewis, so I will be quoting him liberally as we explore what true love is, and whether or not there are any films that accurately portray it.

As mentioned before, entertainment media portrays love as purely romantic, exciting, and fun. Those are all aspects of love, but are only a small part of it. If we think that is all that love should be, we end up feeling like our relationships have fallen short of what we deserved. The initial part of being in love is often called the “honeymoon phase,” because it is so romantic, thrilling, and fun. C.S. Lewis calls it “being in love,” and says this about it:

[Being in love] is a noble feeling, but it is still a feeling, [and] no feeling can be relied on to last in its full intensity...Knowledge can last, principles can last, habits can last; but feelings come and go. And in fact, whatever people say, the state called "being in love" usually does not last.

If the old fairytale ending "They lived happily ever after" is taken to mean "They felt for the next fifty years exactly as they felt the day before they were married," then it says what probably never was nor ever could be true, and would be highly undesirable if it were. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships?

 

Any of us that have known someone about to get married can relate to that last statement – I have seen straight A students in college slip to B’s and C’s, a man that owned his own business get way behind in fulfilling orders, and I myself remember not getting any sleep during that time because I was so preoccupied with being romantic or taking 3 hours to say goodbye on the phone. Being in love is fun, but it is emotionally and physically impossible to sustain. The honeymoon has to end eventually – it’s natural, normal, and perfectly okay. Lewis explains:

…ceasing to be "in love" need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense—love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit ...They can have this love for each other even at those moments when they do not like each other; as you love yourself even when you do not like yourself. They can retain this love even when each would easily, if they allowed themselves, be "in love" with someone else. "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it.

It is possible to be “in love” with anyone that we have some sort of strong romantic, physical, or exciting attraction to. But that attraction – that exciting feeling of being “in love” – does not mean that you have or will ever develop the deeper, unifying love that holds people together until they die. Being “in love” is relatively easy, but “loving” is significantly more difficult, and requires a lot of investment.

Everyone has experienced this deeper, more difficult love. It is what binds families together despite disagreement, trials, and sometimes over great distances. It takes work for me to stay in touch and be invested in the lives of my brothers and sister and parents as life scatters us about and preoccupies me with my own problems. There are cousins and friends whose relationships I have regretfully let go over time – not because I didn’t care, but because I didn’t do what was necessary to maintain them.

“Happily ever after” only happens when two people realize their lives can be made complete, and their joy filled, by being fully invested in each other as companions. They agree to work their way through the tough times and the dull times because the joy they find in each other is worth the effort and sacrifice they have to put into it. It’s not thrilling – it’s fulfilling.

If you disagree with me, of course, you will say, "He knows nothing about it..." You may quite possibly be right. But before you say that, make quite sure that you are judging me by what you really know from your own experience and from watching the lives of your friends, and not by ideas you have derived from novels and films. This is not so easy to do as people think. Our experience is colored through and through by books and plays and the cinema, and it takes patience and skill to disentangle the things we have really learned from life for ourselves.

People get from books the idea that if you have married the right person you may expect to go on "being in love" forever. As a result, when they find they are not, they think this proves they have made a mistake and are entitled to a change—not realizing that, when they have changed, the glamour will presently go out of the new love just as it went out of the old one. In this department of life, as in every other, thrills come at the beginning and do not last.

C.S. Lewis has said it perfectly – and it is good advice for more than just love. How many of us have given up a hobby or abandoned practicing a new talent because the thrill wore off? A lot of people want to learn to play an instrument, but few spend the tedious hours necessary to master an instrument and experience the joy that playing an instrument can bring. Careers grow tedious, exotic places become ordinary, and caring for a pet can feel burdensome – but if we stick with it, each will yield great rewards. Why would true love be any different?

With that being said, I would like to list the movies that have very accurate portrayals of what true love is like. There are not many, but for those of us lucky enough to have found true love, these movies stand out:

• Up. Pixar weaves a powerful story of commitment and love through a life of joy, trials, and setbacks, all in the first five minutes of the film.
• The Village. Not typically thought of as a love story, but the scene with Ivy and Lucius talking on the porch about their relationship was one of the most convincing portrayals of love I have seen in a movie, furthered by the sacrifices that Ivy then makes for Lucius.
• The Vow. Kind of depressing, but shows what you will do for someone you love, and what the commitment of marriage should really mean. If you read the true story behind it and you aren't moved, then you have no soul.
• The Notebook. The first part of the movie is typical Hollywood staged romance, and the girl is a total jerk that the guy was way to good for...but the love story between them when they are older, with him going and reading to her everyday just for a moment of being with the woman he loved - that's true love.
• The Family Man. This movie does a great job of portraying how unromantic being married can be, but how great the rewards being partners in marriage and child rearing can be. I cannot watch the end of this movie without crying.

What's the difference between these and all the other romantic comedies out there? Anyone can love and be happy when your relationship is novel and times are good - and that's what most romances portray. But these movies convinced me not only that the characters loved each other, but that they loved each other with a commitment that would last beyond the fun times and romantic gestures of their prime years and clear through the heartaches, roadblocks, and grueling day-to-day grind that life inevitably is. Happily ever after isn't "We're both happy to be together until hard times hit." Happily ever after means "We're happy because we're together when the hard times hit."